Notice me
by atina
Summary: *Chapter 11 posted* Ginny is anorexic - Draco knows
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer:  I don't own anything Harry Potter. JK Rowling does J

Rating:  I don't know…PG?

Authors Note:  My very first piece of fanfic.  It's basically my thoughts this afternoon….a very rushed piece of writing that simply came to me and I felt I had to write.  I'm very surprised that the first person I'm writing about is Ginny – she's not a character I actually think about an awful lot.  I'm usually more of a Harry/Draco, Remus/Sirius girl J

I actually an 17 year old anorexic attempting recovery so these are just some of my thoughts that I think could apply to Ginny pretty well.  Please review and feel free to criticise all you want – I would be grateful to hear what you think, good or bad!  

Notice me

All I can think of is why don't they notice?  Notice I'm fading away, albeit slowly one day at a time.  I mean Ron who's so protective in every single annoying way can't see that I feel like I'm dying inside.  He laughs and jokes entirely wrapped up in his world of Qudditch, Hermione and Harry.  Harry…surely he would see through all of this…who am I kidding, Harry notices me even less than Ron.  To him I'm just Ron's shy little sister.  

I wonder if it would really affect anyone if I died.  I know they would all mourn and cry for a while but I know in my heart that after a while everyone would carry on with their lives and forget the littlest Weasley ever existed.  I always wanted someone to be unable to live without me, to depend on me and be unable to leave me.  One by one all my brothers left the house to come to Hogwarts all excited about leaving home, forgetting that they were leaving someone behind.  I thought all this would end once I'd joined them here, but sitting amongst the mass of students in the Great Hall I feel very much alone.  Everyone is laughing and chatting – there is so much noise and food I can't bear it.  Everything at Hogwarts revolves around food…feasts, sweets and chocolate.  How long has it been since I've eaten chocolate?  And yet I look around comparing myself to others and some are thinner than I yet gorging themselves on all the things I can't touch.  I've tried to break out of the cycle of starving myself…but somehow I always end up right here – terrified of gaining weight.  I feel as though if I eat anything I won't be able to stop.  I love watching others eat though, giving them my cakes and fudge and sweets with the knowledge of the exact fat and calories they are consuming.    

I know I need help with this but I cannot ask for it.  It would be forcing people to notice me.  They would be disappointed in me, Iknow they would though they may not say it– they wouldn't be able to understand my problem.  I'm not entirely ready to give this up either, at times I am secretly glad no one has noticed; this way I can carry on.

It's getting harder for me to eat anything at all.  First it started with restricting a little, not eating all the cakes and sweets that my brothers get from the kitchens.  Now I can barely eat anything at all, and if I do I feel extremely guilty and I force myself to exercise until I've burnt far more calories than consumed.  I'm scared about what's happening to me…I don't want to die.  It started with just wanting to look a little thinner and more beautiful and desirable, but now I'm losing my hair especially when washing and brushing it.  I run my hands through my once thick but soft hair and the lifeless strands come out so easily.  My hair…my one beauty that stands me out from the rest of the family…. the auburn curls that belong to me only are leaving me.   I'm always cold now…. especially my feet and hands and I can hardly sleep, often waking in the early hours of the morning, my heart thumping loudly in my chest.  I used to dream about Harry, kissing me, making love to me…now I think of the food I don't allow myself.  I am so very tired and my periods have gone….as have my breasts.  I lie awake at night feeling my protruding bones making sure they are still there, my hips and collarbones…my ribs….for they are my only comfort that I am in someway succeeding.   I often get up to look in the mirror.  I remember a time when I never looked in mirrors; never thought about my appearance.  Sometimes I see a huge me with a large stomach and fat thighs, other times I see an unhappy weak emaciated girl.  It's like the voices in my head – one telling me I'm harming myself and that I'm hungry and should eat, the other telling me that this makes me powerful and that I'm doing well.  I know which is telling the truth…I simply cannot make the other leave.  And so I wait.  For someone to banish the anorexic voice causing me so much pain.

I may continue this, with someone noticing her behaviour (may not be Harry! – give me your ideas on who you think should) 


	2. 2

A/N - Thanks for the reviews and suggestions.  Some of them were really interesting and unusual and would make great stories.  They really inspired me to write more although I apologise with who I've used for the second chapter although it may not be entirely obvious yet.

I can see what she's doing…I can see she's in pain with those huge frightened eyes of hers.  I just don't know how to approach her about it.  I feel like screaming at everyone for not noticing….begging her to stop what she's doing because she's so beautiful it almost hurts.  What would she think if she knew I had these feelings?  What would she say to me if I approached her and tried to help her?  She would shy away from me scared.  She's so fragile yet I can imagine her stronger, confident, smiling.  It's funny because I've only known her since she started at Hogwarts and she's always been quiet and private but I know she's not really like that – she can be lively and laugh and grin just as much as all the other Gryffindors. 

Recently her eyes have been getting this glazed faraway look, and they are always full of so much sadness.  She shivers in her thin robes.  I want to wrap her up in the warmest cloak there is and hold her.  She's looks weak – exhausted, as she drags her weary body around the castle going to classes, finding even the small weight of her schoolbag difficult to manage.  I want to take it from her, preventing her from more pain.  I can see her cheeks are hollowed and she's so very pale…..even paler than mine.  

She keeps up the pretence of being alright just enough for others to think she's okay.  She'll occasionally make questioning noises and nod to keep people talking, unaware that she's not joined in.  She'll sit in the library, books open as though she's working – when really she's just sitting in the quiet.  During mealtimes Ginny'll do anything to avoid eating; hide the food, in napkins, in her bag, anywhere.  Occasionally she'll take a tiny bite or sip but usually she'll spit that out in a napkin or cup, or excuse herself to go to the bathroom.  

Sometimes I wish Potter would just pay attention to her.  He's what she wants isn't he – her precious Harry.  I think I would prefer that if it would make her happy, make her smile…..although it would tear me to pieces inside.  No one would know though…no one would suspect I care about her…and she would be happy.

I could live like that…….if that's what it takes.

But what are the chances of Harry noticing her before it's too late?  He's too busy trying to catch Cho's attention.  Cho!  When he could have Ginny whenever he wanted!  He'd probably be the only person to have Ron's blessing as well considering they're best friends and all.  

I've tried to get him to see her.  Teasing him about her….suggesting the notion of romance brewing between them.  He just gets all embarrassed and blushes.  

I've decided; I'm going to send her a note by owl.  I can't bear it any longer.  I can't live through each day wondering if she'll be alive the next, watching her waste away.  I'll get her to meet me.  I can't say that it's me otherwise she probably won't come.  Where could we meet?  The astronomy tower at dusk sounds alright.  Oh, I must remember to use one of the school owls to keep my anonymity.   

I mustn't reveal my true feelings…she would never return them and they'd just scare her.  I'm good at hiding feelings, just like her.  All I'll do is let her know I know about her secret.

Please let me feed you Ginny, Please love me.   


	3. 3

A/N - This part is sort of from both of their points of views.  I've never really written speech or anything like this so forgive me if it's confusing.

Who would send me a note like this?  Why'd they want to see me?  It's probably just some silly joke.  I guess I should probably be a bit more cautious after the events of my first year…but for some reason I am not bothered at all.  Perhaps it could be Harry…..contacting me like this seems like the kind of thing he would do; I know he loves to gaze at the stars from the Astronomy tower just as I love to.

So here I am climbing the stairs to the tower at someone else's request…I pause before entering the room, preparing myself for whoever is waiting there…

"Draco"  I say automatically; I can't help but be a little surprised.  He was definitely not on my list of possible contactors.   I take him in as he steps out of the shadows, his silvery hair gleaming in the setting sun.  His stance is not aggressive in anyway…he almost seems like a different person to the Draco I pass in the halls.  I sometimes wonder whether he's really the person everyone perceives him to be….sneering, cold and calculating.  Sometimes I think that perhaps he's just lost….now he's started acting that way, he has to live up to everyone's expectations.  Secretly I think that Ron antagonises him just as much as he does Ron – maybe even more.  I wonder why Draco wants to meet me?

"Hello Ginny"  She startled me.  Do you know, she's the only person to call me by my name?  To everyone else I'm Malfoy (except mother and father – to them I'm simply son).  Malfoy doesn't describe me at all, the name doesn't belong to me solely, it fits my father far better…..Draco is who I am.  Just Draco.  She makes me come to life with that one simple word.  I wish I could do the same for her…..she's not looking any better than usual….her mouth is turned downwards and her eyes show no joy.  I'd better say something quickly….she's probably wondering what she's doing up here…

"I know what you're doing to yourself"  I blurted this out in a way very unlike me.  I couldn't think of what else to say.

She momentarily looks up, frightened, but quickly regains her composure in an attempt to try to save her secret.  "I…I…don't know what you're talking about Malfoy.  I'm not doing anything – apart from meeting you up here" she says defensively.  "Any reason why I'm here?"

She's using Malfoy now – pulling away from me, trying to project an air of confidence that I can see straight though.  "You know why" I say quietly.  "Can I ask _you_ why?"

She shivers from the cold up here in the tower.  Darkness is creeping up on us shutting out the warmth of the day.  I unclasp my cloak and put it round her shoulders.  She sits on the floor defeated and I sit close by.  

"What d'you want me to say Draco……"  I whisper.  It strikes me how different he looks, here at the same level as me.  A couple of minutes ago I could barely imagine him sitting on the floor, or lending his cloak to a girl.  His cloak is so warm….it smells of cinnamon, my favourite spice.  "Why do you even care?"

"I just want the truth Ginny…I won't tell anyone, although they're all blind not to notice"

A tear slides down my face and I turn away from him.  I don't want him to see me any more vulnerable than he's already seen.  "I can't stop doing this."  I say, my voice breaking a little with the words.  "It's my whole life."

"Don't pity me Draco….I'll be alright….I can sort this out.  It's my problem.  It doesn't matter to you…if….if I can't eat."

We hear a noise and see there is someone walking through the grounds below us, coming towards the tower.  We can't be seen like this; a Gryffindor and Slytherin talking up here when everyone else is back in their common rooms.  

"It does matter.  We'll meet again soon….., somewhere a little less conspicuous.  In the mean time, please take care.  Do it for me".

He gets up and leaves, making his way quietly down the steps.  I am left sitting here alone with my thoughts, surrounded by his cloak, safer in the knowledge that someone finally knows.      

A/N – So what d'you think?  This story is just writing itself.  I really shouldn't be doing this…I'm meant to be studying for my exams.  Thank you so much for the reviews – it's nice to know that what I'm writing makes some sort of sense to others as well.  I really apologise to those who didn't want Draco to notice – I know it's a bit clichéd, but it just came out that way.  There are so many different alternatives which would all be great.


	4. 4

A/N:  Thanks again for the reviews.  I never imagined that people would read and like something I'd written.  I'm really not a writer, but this is getting pretty addictive.  My Draco's pretty out of character but I can't really help it.  I don't really know how to change that.

I don't know what to do.  I've watched her quietly for the last week, unable to find time to arrange another meeting.  She smiled weakly across the hall at breakfast yesterday bringing a glass of orange juice to her lips.  I know she's trying so hard, and I'm proud of her for it – I know how hard it can be.  She passes me in the corridor, walking a little behind Harry, Ron and Hermione.  She pulls something black out of her bag – my cloak.

I threw the cloak over at him.  I turned the other way and found Ron was looking at me questioningly.  "Er Gin…..what did you have Malfoy's cloak for?"

"Oh he um left it in the hall after dinner and Professor McGonagall asked if I could return it to him." I said quickly.  That was a pretty good excuse…..do you think they suspect anything?  No, they'd never think sweet little Ginny had been talking with the enemy Draco Malfoy, sharing her secrets with him.  Boys can be so immature sometimes (namely my brothers!).

She returned my cloak!!  I wanted to tell her to keep it.  I know, I'll send it to her dorm later with a little note.  Making sure she's warm enough is the least I can do.  Especially as I know she goes wandering about the grounds alone at times.  As I gather up the cloak, something slips out from within its folds.  A scrap of paper with Ginny's hurried scrawl on it…asking me to meet her at Professor Sprout's greenhouse this evening.  She surprises me – I thought I would be the one to ask to meet her again.

As I approach her, I can't help but observe her appearance.  Although she'll always be beautiful to me, I can see that the fact I know about her problem hasn't changed a thing.  I know things can't change overnight but I want them to so badly.  I want her to get better because of me…. recover because I noticed.  Her clothes hang off of her – it's probably a good thing she can't wear the hand me downs the rest of her siblings share – they'd never fit her.

"So how have you been doing Ginny?"  She turns and looks straight into my eyes.  That's one of the things I love about her.  The way she can look at me so directly….it makes me feel as though she's seeing the real me.

"Okay I suppose.  I'm trying."  She pauses and then continues.  "It's funny…..to everyone else eating's just eating, so easy and automatic – something they don't have to worry or even think about.  Why am I like this?  Why can't I just be normal?"

She's much more open with me today than previously.  Perhaps she's come to terms with me knowing and she'll want to share with me.  Perhaps I can help her.  I can't answer her questions so I divert attention away from them.

"C'mon…..let's go inside".  I point to the doorway of the greenhouse and we walk into the misty room.  It's full of exotic plants in vibrant colours as well as some of the more common shrubs and flowers.  I can tell she loves it in here…..she somehow looks at home with all the flowers and in the humid environment.  

We are silent in here for a little while, simply walking round, both slightly in awe of the surroundings.  I break the silence, I need to tell her this.

"My mother…..she has the same problem as you.  Ever since I was little"

"I'm so sorry Draco"

"Now all she can do is lie in bed the whole day.  It doesn't hurt as much as it should; I've never really gotten to know my mother well….she's never had the time or strength to form a proper relationship with me."  I'm telling her the truth, letting out my secrets.  I've never done this with anyone before…..I can't looks at her.  I feel a bit foolish telling her all of this.  After all I'm meant to be helping her, listening to her, when instead I'm rambling on about my family problems.

Her voice comes out sounding small and a little strained.   "Is that why you noticed…..how you knew?"

"No"  I really shouldn't have said that.  I should have said yes, but I know what she was thinking….that I only saw her because of my past experience with this.  That's not true, and I don't want her to think that.  She must think I'm acting terribly out of character from the Malfoy she thinks she knows.  The cold hard-hearted bastard from Slytherin.  I'd better say something a bit more 'Malfoyish' now.  

"Now you've heard my little sob story, let's get back to you.  So Miss Weasley, what caused you to resort to this?  Did your brothers teasing get a bit too much to handle?  Or has Potions with Snape been ruining your life?  Oh I know…. it's because your beloved Harry's been finding himself a girlfriend, and it's not you."

She's angry.  I can tell that for sure.  Maybe I went a bit overboard and that last comment hit a bit to close to home for her.  But I guess I'd rather get a bit of a rise out of her than have her being all defeated and withdrawn although I regret the harshness of my words.

"You know nothing about me or my life" she says coldly, glaring at me.

That for one is very true.  Obviously I know just as much as most others do.  Another Weasley in a family of many…..poor but happy.  "Why don't you make me a little better informed?"

She softens.  "It just started out as a bit of a diet.  Y'know all the girls do it occasionally……cutting out a few sweets and such to look a bit better in their newest dress for the dance.  I just gave it a bit of a go and I found I was good at it – losing weight that is.  Better than all the other girls.  I had the determination and willpower to stick with it.  It felt like it was my way of making up for all the things the others had that I didn't.  If I didn't have their beauty, money or even personality…at least I could be thinner.  At first it felt as though it was giving me power and control, even confidence.  I could do this, survive without food when no one else can….now it's just sort of spiralling out of control.  I can't stop what I'm doing even if I want to…..it's controlling me – telling me I'm fat and that I don't deserve to eat.  She pauses and looks at me.  "Why am I telling you this?"

"Because I asked"

"Right"

"Ginny I know it doesn't help one tiny bit, but I just want to say you've got things all those other girls don't.  Amazing things.  You might not be able to see them right now but I know they're there, so you'll just have to trust me."

"I'm so scared Draco……but please don't tell anyone about me.  I couldn't bear it…..all the staring and whispers.  I got all of that after the incident in the first year and it's the last thing I want.  I don't want to be seen as this lost little girl anymore…even if that's what I am.  Promise me you won't tell anyone."

There is nothing I can say.  I can't say make that promise to her.  Instead I pick a single white rose and checking it for thorns before handing it to her.  She accepts it twirling it between her fingers.  She smiles feebly and we both know we must leave.

"It's pretty late – we'd better go".

Before we go our separate ways each to our own dorm, she very impulsively stands on tiptoes and kisses me softly on the cheek.  It's so soft and tentative I want to cry.  She whispers "thank you" and walks away.  As I walk back to the castle alone I reach up and touch my cheek, lost in the thoughts of how complicated this has become.    


	5. 5

I can't rid myself of that bit of doubt telling me that the only reason Draco noticed me is because of his mother.  I know he said that that wasn't true, but he was probably just trying to protect me, just like everyone else does.  Why would he do that though?  What's in this for him?  And he gave me that beautiful rose, which is lying on my bedside table right now.  I love white flowers, they are so pure and untainted - perfect.

I can't believe I kissed him.   I know it was on the cheek but still!  Something just sort of took over me.  It was probably just the atmosphere and setting.  He felt so warm….totally unlike what I was expecting.  From his demeanour and looks you'd expect him to be cold, icy even.  But then I guess some people may expect me to be warm to touch when in reality I'm always freezing now.  It makes me wonder what it'd be like to kiss him on the lips.  

What on earth would Ron think of all of this?  Or Harry even?  Me speaking to Draco would be enough to rise their blood pressure let alone me kissing him!  

I'm so confused.  I think I've suddenly gone from disliking Draco to developing feelings for him.  Or maybe I never really disliked him in the first place, I just felt I had to because Harry does.  It's strange….with my attraction to Harry it's sort of like wanting to be like him…..brave and kind, a bit shy but always being paid attention to and loved so it doesn't really matter.  I think I'm kind of in awe of him – everyone is.  With Draco it's like he's similar to me but different….

What am I?  Some kind of love struck puppy?  I don't even know Draco.  He could just being doing all of this to get to Ron.  Anyhow he mustn't know how I feel about him.  I imagine he just sees me as another annoying Weasley unable to sort out her pathetic little life.  That's probably how everyone else sees me so it's probably the truth.

It doesn't have to be the truth.  I could change things.  I could eat something – then maybe all of this would stop and I could end up with that perfect life I'm striving for.  Right that's what I'll do, it's easy.  I'll eat something I would never normally dream of having – chocolate.  There's some lying on the table over there.  

I pick up the bar, opening it and smelling it's deep rich aroma, imagining its taste.  That's the closest I've come to it in a long time.  It's Honeydukes finest dark chocolate, what used to be my favourite.  I break a small piece off and hold it, my fingers shaking………I can't do this…..I know exactly what it contains, how many grams of fat.  I feel sick at the thought of it entering my body while at the same time I'm craving for it more intensely than ever.  It'd be weak to give into such a craving although I am tempted to……the chocolate is melting in my fingers as I think, tears pricking my eyes……I get up and wash my hands for a long time with hot running water and lemony soap, removing all traces of it from my hands.  

********

I'm late for the Quidditch match – Gryffindor against Ravenclaw.  I know I am expected to sit with the rest of the Slytherins, but showing up late is a good excuse for taking the vacant seat next to Ginny as the Quidditch stands are packed.  Ron glares at me, as expected, and I give him a cheeky grin.

"Just coming to show my support for Potter like you Weasley"

"Like hell"  I hear him mutter under his breath as Hermione places a calming hand on his arm.  It takes little effort to work him up.

Somehow it's easier not to be so affected by Ginny in such a public place.  Besides I needn't feel bad - my behaviour is directed towards her brother.  She hasn't looked at me since I sat down next to her though.  

I can feel his presence, even before he sat down next to me and Ron tensed up.  He's watching me as always, and I feel as though he can read my mind and see what just happened in the dorm with the chocolate.  Oh, the game's starting – I'd better pay attention.

There's Harry kicking off from the ground.  Even I have to admit that he flies brilliantly – with grace and style as well as a certain amount of recklessness.  I should probably watch him a bit closer, I could do with a few tips.  I can't say Quidditch is my forte although it can be pretty fun.  Watching him I feel jealously creeping up on me as I can see Ginny's eyes following his every move.  Why would she ever want me when she could have Harry Potter?  Hell, I would even choose Harry over me!  

Although my eyes are mainly focused on Harry, my mind is elsewhere.  Thoughts of Draco invade my mind constantly – how he's sitting, the way his blonde hair is blowing over his forehead in the wind……was is just a coincidence he ended up sitting next to me?  He looks pretty out of place in the group of Gryffindors, his silver and grey scarf and tie marking him as an outsider.  He looks exactly how I feel.

What's wrong with me? – I couldn't even tell you the score at the moment.  Glancing up at Ron's grinning face it is obvious that we're in the lead.  Ron hands me a sweet and I take it pocketing it with a quick peek at Draco who definitely saw what I did.  He looks close to saying something to me, leaning in slightly when the crowd goes mad – Gryffindor win with Harry as usual catching the snitch.  Somehow Harry's victory means less to me than usual although I force myself to cheer and at least smile a little.  

I find myself wondering what Draco was going to say to me before the moment was lost.     

A/N – Thanks for the kind reviews, they're really keeping me writing.  At the moment it seems as the story isn't really going anywhere.  I promise something will happen in the near future (Snape and Madame Pomfrey will both be making appearances – although not together).  It's pretty late here but I wanted to get this chapter posted.  Sorry if it doesn't make much sense.


	6. 6

A/N – Just to clarify, a lot of the feelings and behaviours that Ginny has (especially in the first chapter) are ones that I have experienced at sometime due to anorexia.  However, all the other events and interactions between the characters are entirely made up.  How I wish I had a nice Draco to help me through it all.  Don't worry about me as well, I'm properly recovering now – I don't feel the same way Ginny does anymore.

I have to do everything possible to distance myself from others.  Even if it means ignoring Draco.  That way I can keep on doing this.  They'll take it away from me…..make me fat and weak.  I have to protect myself and that's why it's been a week since I've made any sort of contact with Draco despite his numerous but very subtle tries to get my attention.

At least I know he won't tell anyone……he knows I don't want that I don't think he'd do that to me.  Besides who'd he tell who'd care – he's not exactly on pleasant speaking terms with my brother, or any of the other Gryffindors in fact. 

Despite avoiding talking with Draco, I still watch, waiting to see what he'll do next, while at the same time hoping he'll do nothing.  I'm watching him from the dorm window, although he has no idea I am.  It's good this – I get to see the real him without him risking revealing myself.  He's walking towards the lake, hands in pockets and deep in thought.  He's alone and by his stride it seems as though he does this often – he's not thinking about what he's doing, his feet are automatically leading the way.  

As his figure slowly gets smaller and smaller disappearing out of my line of view I get up and decide to take a nice hot shower.  I love showers, they warm up my frozen body more effectively than anything else while at the same time calm my mind.  

After showering I compulsively step onto the scales and weigh myself again.  I know it's stupid, it's very unlikely my weight would be different since checking it before my shower and I know any change is not permanent.  I'm compelled to do it though – any lowering in the number I'm presented with and I am elated.  The sudden buzz that I feel when that happens is like nothing else.  However if it has risen I'm depressed and angry – convinced it's all due to that piece of apple I ate in the morning.  If my weight does fall; I always tell myself it won't be permanent it's just because I emptied my bladder before stepping on; that way I'm not expecting too much.  If it rises, it's always my fault.  Today I am lucky…..I feel only slight disappointment as there is no change.  

She's started wearing lots of layers.  I can see them peeking out from under her shirt.  A couple of thermal vests, the girly kind that are pretty thin looking but very warm.  I'm pleased to see that she's never without that cloak I gave her.  I wonder if the extra layers are a feeble attempt to convince others she's gained weight or if they are simply a necessity due to the cold.

I am shocked by how pale she's getting.  At times her skin has an almost bluish tinge.  I remember when she arrived in the first year.  She was nervous so she had gone a little pale – but it was different, not this ill, deathly colour.  I can imagine her soon becoming that whispy whitish colour of the ghosts.    

I'm so worried and angry that I have no appetite.  Still, I eat although the food is tasteless to me, for fear of being swept into this dreadful disease.  Who would save us if we were both engulfed by it?  Saying that, I'm doing nothing for Ginny, I wish I could save her, I feel so helpless something pretty alien to me.  I know she's ignoring me……I've tried to get her to talk to me, but it's so hard without being completely obvious to the rest of the school.

I don't know what I can do.  I must do something….this is getting way out of hand.  Who could I talk to about this?  Certainly not any of the other Slytherins or Gryffindors.  No, I need to see a teacher about this, someone I can trust.  I know that isn't what Ginny wants but it's for the best.  Even if she does hate my guts for eternity because of it.  Professor McGonagall doesn't seem appropriate….I would feel silly seeing Dumbledore about this.  Besides he makes me a bit nervous.  Snape…..he'd be perfect.  He's a pretty private person, not the kind to go broadcasting our conversation to the entire school.  He's head of my house and has _some_ sort of twisted relationship with me….he's also unlikely to ask many questions about why I care about what's happening to Ginny Weasley, plus I think he may know have some idea about my mother – he's pretty intuitive and he used to visit the manor often when I was younger.  Perhaps he can even make Ginny a potion…..one to help her battle her inner demons, or just provide her with something to keep her going until we can sort this out.  First I'll just ask for some advice, then maybe Ginny'll never have to even know about it.  It's going to be difficult to broach this subject with him….but I've decided.  I'll go see him evening.

A/N – What d'you think?  Sorry about the slowness at which all the events take place.  I'm mainly making it up as I go along although I now have some idea of how I want the story to progress.  I'll try to get a chapter up each night (and the chapters should be getting a bit longer!).


	7. 7

A/N – I can't thank you enough for the reviews.  I can hardly believe I've got so many nice reviews!!!  I'm trying to make my chapters a little longer….I think I failed with that on this one (sorry!).  I'll try and make the next one a bit longer.  I'll also try to divider bars when the POV's change…..it just gets a bit difficult when they change all the time.  

HPReader4L – I urge you to do whatever you can to prevent getting into the anorexic cycle.  I know how hard it is but do anything else that makes you feel better about yourself to try and prevent it because once you start it's very difficult to stop.  It's really not worth wasting your life over.  Try to remember that eating is really important and it's good for you!  If at any time you want to talk about it, feel free to email me.

Mayaserena – if you want to talk as well – just email me at anytime.

In fact that goes for anyone.

With each step I take towards Snape's study, the urge to turn back grows stronger.  I guess that's one of the many reasons  I'm in Slytherin not Gryffindor.  I don't _want_ to do this – I don't want to have this conversation.  I knock on the strong wooden door and hear the Professor's deep resonant voice instructing me to enter.  When I've opened the door and am in his line of site I stand there in the doorway unsure of what to do.  He is sitting at his desk marking a pile of essays – possibly our latest potions one which we handed in this morning.  He puts down his quill with a bit of flourish and crosses his arms.  I realise that I've rarely seen him in this kind of situation, and am not sure what to expect.

"Ah Mr Malfoy, what can I do for you?"

With these words I step further in to his study and he gestures to a seat opposite him where I take a seat.  The room reflects Snape in some ways….it's well ordered with everything where it should be, but there are too many odd jars filled with unusual substances and old books on shelves or it to be called neat.  The room is dark, with just the light of the lamp on his desk and the flames in the fireplace providing light.

"I hoped to have a word with you Sir, about a private matter."

"I'm listening"

"It's actually about a Weasley"  I think I see his eyes flicker a little before curving up into a bit of a thin lipped smile.  "Oh, and which Weasley might it be?"

"Ginny"  The smile leaves his face and he closes his eyes for a minute.

"Ginny Weasley"  He pauses taking a breath, "How could anything to do with her be of concern to  you?"

"She has a problem.  None of those pathetic Gryffindor friends of hers have noticed so I felt it was my duty to inform someone.  It seems as though the girl needs a babysitter to look after her.  She hasn't been eating for some time."

Snape stands up leaving his chair and walks across the room.   "I had actually noticed this for quite some time.  Not everyone in this school is as unobservant as you may think.  What do _you_ propose we do about this?  I'm surprised you even care what with the way you are constantly bickering with her brother."

"I just felt that it was my duty to tell someone.  As for what to do……perhaps you could inform Dumbledore?" 

Whilst looking at various jars inspecting the labels of a few he says, "Dumbledore is knowledgeable about a great many things, but I don't feel that this is really his area of expertise.   I don't think he could imagine why anyone wouldn't want to eat all the delicious food served at Hogwarts.  There's a reason why people like him and Potter can't see this, even though it's right in front of them.  It's because they don't know what it's like to not feel free to act the person that you are and do exactly what you want."

"I imagine you want nothing to do with the girl, am I right?  Leave the matter in my hands….you've done what you needed to do……you may go now."

"Thank you sir".  I close the door quietly behind me as I leave.

* * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * * * * ** * * * * * ** * * * * * ** * * * * * ** * * * * * ** * * * * * ** * 

God, I'm so sleepy.  Double Potions, Monday morning!  I couldn't sleep again last night.  Snape's droning on about something right now….I really should listen…..what if he picks on me to answer a question?  I just can't concentrate.  I feel like if I close my eyes for just one second I'll fall asleep…..

"…..Miss Weasley.  Could I just ask you what the topic covered during this lesson is?"

Oh no, I'm in big trouble now.  I can't believe I fell asleep in class.  And in Potions as well!  I don't think anyone's ever fallen asleep in Potions yet, its near impossible with Snape breathing down your neck.  Oh why couldn't it have been another lesson like History of Magic?   

"Er……um……well…..Potions sir".

"I am fully aware that this is Potions Miss Weasley considering that is the only class I teach…..I was looking for something a little more specific".

"I'm sorry, I don't know"

"Are you unwell Miss Weasley?"  His voice is has fallen to a dangerously low level.

"No"

"Then what precisely gives you the right to fall asleep in my lesson?!"

"You'll be seeing me after this class ends.  In the meantime, I hope you could be courteous enough to listen while I spend my time trying to teach you about simple counter potions."    

Great.  First day of the week and I'm already in trouble.  No doubt Ron'll hear about this – and find time during his busy schedule to lecture me about it.  I wonder what Snape'll do after class – how many detentions does this deserve.  I just don't want to lose house points…that's the worst because it's letting everyone else down.  

As everyone packs away their stuff and leaves as quickly as possible, I linger back waiting for Snape to summon me.  I catch a few sympathetic glances from some fellow students before they exit, leaving me with the silent Professor who turns around to face me just after they leave.  He scrutinizes me for a minute, and a wave of uneasiness passes over me.

"Miss Weasley……can you give me an explanation for your behaviour in class today?  As much as I hate to admit it, it's very unlike a student such as yourself to feel the urge to take a nap in the middle of my lesson."

What can I say to him?  "I must of just gone to bed too late last night  I was doing my transfiguration essay and lost track of the time".

He looks at me again.  "I want you to go and see Madam Pomfrey for a complete check up…….immediately"

He must know……Snape never normally act like this.  It's almost as though he is pitying me today.  I try to protest feeling very panic stricken.

"I feel fine sir, I really don't think that's necessary"

"Do not proceed to tell me what is and what is not necessary Miss Weasley.  I _demand_ that you go and be seen Madam Pomfrey _now_ or you risk losing more house points than even Potter can win back". 

"Yes sir" I walk towards the door.

"Oh, and Miss Weasley………detention, seven o'clock Wednesday evening."

I briefly consider not going to see Madam Pomfrey, but cannot imagine the anger that I would face from Snape if I directly disobeyed his orders.  I just can't deal with that right now and he's bound to find out so I trudge up the staircase towards the hospital wing.  

_Oh, and another thing to think about……remind me to kill Draco next time I see him_.  


	8. 8

A/N – Again I didn't manage to succeed with making the chapters longer.  I don't really have any idea how Madam Pomfrey actually treats her patients – except for with (chocolate and skelegrow!) so I kind of skipped over that.  I doubt she would use the same kind of stuff as muggles so I avoided that. 

"Madam Pomfrey?"  The hospital wing seems empty for once.  Whenever I'm up here it reminds me of all the dreadful things that have happened to Harry over they years as well as my own experiences.   

"Hello dear…..Professor Snape told me you'd be coming up here soon.  I hear you've been feeling a bit sleepy recently Ginny?"  There's a friendly twinkle in her eyes as she says this.

"I guess so."

"Can you think of any reasons why?

"No, not really"  

"Okay,……why don't you have a little lie down on that bed over there, you look a little pale?  What did you have for breakfast this morning?

"Oh, a bowl of porridge and some toast"  I've gotten very good at lying recently.  Everytime I lie I am cast further into my own private world. 

"Being pale's just a Weasley thing.  I feel fine actually, I don't know why Professor Snape insisted I come up here"

"Okay, well just have a bit of a rest and I'll check to see whether everything is as it should be.  I'll bring you some lunch in a little while."  She says this in the cheerful but definite tone of voice which means no arguments.  

After getting between the cool crisp white sheets I close my eyes pretending to sleep.  Instead, I worry about how I'm going to get out of the lunch she's going to bring for me.  I can feel this simmering hatred for Draco for putting me in this situation.  Why couldn't he have just minded his own business?

Slowly all of these thoughts merge into dreams as I fall asleep.

I awake, hearing the noise of Madam Pomfrey pottering around sounding busy.  At first I have difficulty remembering where I am…..then it all comes back to me.  I sit up, Madam Pomfrey sees, and comes over to greet me.

"Oh, you're awake dear.  You've been asleep for quite a while; you must have been very tired.  I've done everything I need to and there's nothing seriously wrong.  However you seem a bit run down, you're immunity's low and you need a bit of a top up on some vitamins and minerals so I'd like you to stay for a day or two.  Perhaps you're recovering from a virus or something?  Good thing Professor Snape sent you up here, eh?…………anyway you must be starving, I'll go get you something nice to eat."

I am surprised but extremely relieved that she hasn't succeeded in discovering my secret.  All I need to do now is get through this day and then everything will return to normal.  However, at the moment there's a meal to think about discretely disposing of.

Minutes later she comes out with a tray laden with lots of different foods and sets it down on the table next to me.  She picks up a large tumbler filled with a steaming liquid and says, "Now I want you to drink all of this up now.  It contain more medicinal herbs than any other liquid.   It'll do you the world of good, you'll be feeling refreshed in no time at all."

I gingerly take the cup and peer inside.  The liquid is amber in colour and smells slightly sweet and honeyed.  She's sitting on the bed watching and there is no escape.  I take a small sip and feel the liquid wash down my throat warming me.  I feel sick looking at the tray beside me.  It's hard enough drinking this…..let alone making my way through all of that.  What if she sits and watches me the entire time?  I guess I could pretend to feel sick….but how long can I hold that pretence for?  If I pretend to be sick, she'll simply keep me for longer until I'm eating properly.  

"Good girl, drink up…..I'm just going to check on a Quidditch injury…….I'll be back in a little while".  She gets up to leave.

I breathe a huge sigh of relief.  As she closes the door behind her, I hastily grab my school back and shove the food on the tray into my bag.  I leave a few crusts to sandwiches and the wrappers of things on the tray so that it looks as though I've eaten.  After this is done, I drop the bag under my bed and rest.  Since I awoke adrenaline had been pumping through my body, mostly due to fear.  I look at the cup next to me, still quite full and get up to tip it down the sink across the room.  

There is nothing at all to do up here.  I am alone and there are no distractions so I close my eyes because the lights feel to bright for my sensitive eyes.

I hear the door creak open.  It's probably Madam Pomfrey checking on me, taking the tray away.  She says nothing, but I can feel someone standing close to me.  I don't feel like talking cheerily to her so I fake sleep….that is until I hear the person whisper my name and I realise that it is definitely not Madame Pomfrey.  

All the rage that has been building up inside me increases tenfold when I see him.  So he thinks he can just waltz in here and everything'll fine?  God, I hate him like I've never hated anyone before…..I don't what made me tell him in the first place….I don't know how I ever could have liked him….even if it was only for a split second.  I should have known something like this would happen.  

"I'm not going to apologise"

"Well no I wouldn't expect a selfish bastard like you to anyway."

"Excuse me?"  I've never seen Ginny Weasley this cross before.  She's completely irrational, blinded by anger and hate, all of which is directed at me.  I have to admit I'm a little surprised.  In all honesty I though she might understand, why I did what I had to.  I can't help but notice how beautiful she looks sitting up in bed her hair mussed up and her eye flashing dangerously. 

She slaps me round the face, hard.  She's the second girl to do that….Granger being the first.  It stings and I can feel my cheek reddening.  "Don't you get it at all Malfoy?  You betrayed my trust.  And telling your little buddy Snape of all people?  How could you? The one person who hates me and my family just as much as you do!  What was this, some sort of evil ploy to ruin my life even more?  Don't you have anything better to do?"

"I don't hate you."

"Well I hate you and myself enough for the both of us and I don't _ever_ want to speak to you again!"  After the noise of that last retort we are both silent.  Tears are slipping down her face but she wipes them away with the back of her hand.

"What's going on?  

Oh shit.  Big brother's here and I doubt he'll be happy to see me conversing Ginny, especially seeing as she's crying.  I hope he didn't hear anything that was said between us – that would make matters a whole lot more complicated.

"What are _you_ doing here Malfoy?  Y'know that's low even for you……coming to pick on all the patients in the medical wing?  Why don't you choose someone who's not younger than you, ill or a girl?!"

"It's okay Ron, he was just leaving."  I say shortly.

Draco leaves without a word, and suddenly I feel very weak and exhausted.  I face Ron and ask him if he would mind coming to visit me a little later as I'm tired and want to sleep.  He looks concerned but agrees.  I just want everyone to go so I can be alone.  

When he's gone, the tears come flooding back.  I look over and see a small bunch of grapes and a card left on the table.  Something tells me that perhaps I've been very wrong.


	9. 9

A/N – Wow, two chapters up in one day!  I'm going back to school tomorrow so I wanted to get finished tonight.  Sorry if the updates take a bit longer from now on, I'll try not to make that the case,  Thanks for the reviews – I never imagined I would get so many with my first fic!  I was pretty sure that this was just going to disappear into the depths of ff.net without being seen!

Chipie36 – Thanks for wishing me good luck in my exams!  My exams aren't for a while (they're in May/June) but they're pretty important.  Basically if I mess them up then I'm not going to med school in September like I plan to.  Good luck in your exams too!

Maybe I am a selfish bastard.  Maybe I just didn't want the burden on my shoulders…….to know that it would be my fault if anything happened to her.  Now everything's a complete mess.  From  the looks of it Madam Pomfrey hasn't realised what's wrong with Ginny so she's still not getting helped.  Ginny won't talk to me anymore so she now has no one to talk to if things get too hard to handle, and Snape probably feels his job is done and won't think anything more.

And why did I forget to pick up that card on the way out?  It was a spur of the moment thing writing it – I doubt she'll appreciate what I've written that is if she reads it before ripping it up.  

I remember seeing the almost empty tray of food by her bedside.  Could she have eaten that food?  If I could just know for sure she had it would make me feel ten times better.  I know it was stupid of me to bring her grapes, but I couldn't think of what I could bring……chocolate normally the obvious choice seemed wrong so I thought grapes, my favourite fruit….just in case she had the urge to try them.

She's allowed to return to lessons today, two days after I last saw her.   I've missed getting glimpses of her around the school the last couple of days.  I know Ron's been up to see her again as I overheard him talking with Harry and Hermione saying Ginny was a bit subdued up in the hospital wing and suggesting it would be nice if they went up to see her.  I bet she'll welcome Harry with open arms……how come he always gets all the things I want?

I'm feeling very sorry for myself today.  It's not often I get I one of these moods.  Usually I can just ignore them and move on, reminding myself of all of the things I'm lucky to have.  But today all I can think of is all the things I don't have……..good friends (Crabbe, Goyle and Pansy don't count), a mother who thinks of me, the future that I want, and most importantly Ginny…….

When did I become this person?  The idiot who mopes around over some girl, unable to think about anything else.  What am I supposed to be doing?……oh, I remember I'm in the library supposedly doing some research for my Defence against the Dark Arts project.    

Suddenly I feel a quick tug on my hand.  I'm pulled into a gap between two bookcases facing each other, away from prying eyes.  It's her.

"Look Draco,……I've had a lot of time to think it over and I realise that you were just trying to help me by telling Snape,……and I'd…I'd be really grateful if you could forget every single word I said to you two days ago when you came to see me….."  She winces "as well as the whole hitting incident.  I know it'd be a really hard thing to do….I'm not sure if I could myself if I was your situation.  The only explanation I can give you is…that I wasn't thinking straight…..I was just angry and you were the most obvious person to be angry with.  Anyway, what I'm really asking is…..if you could be my friend, 'cause despite what my brothers say about you I like you and 'cause I could do with a friend right now……I don't think I can go through this alone."  Her eyes are shining with unshed tears and she's looking up at me pleadingly.

I know I should have just said 'Forget it Weasley', and carried on with my research, but my heart just melted with every word she said.  I thought it was over forever between us and now she comes here and spills out this speech…..  

"Of course."  My voice has gone a little hoarse with emotion.  I feel the need to put my arm around her and pull her close and I do so although I quickly release her thinking that it's probably a bit inappropriate.

"Y'know Weasley……the one thing I'm not going to forget is to stay on your good side.  You give an even better backhand than the fiery Miss Granger does.  I think I can still feel the burning".  She blushes, turning a delightful rosy colour as opposed to the tomato red sported by the rest of her family. 

Teasing her gently removed some of the awkward tension that surrounded us previously.  "I've never done that to anyone before……so you'd say it was a pretty good first go?"

"Oh yeah".   

"Hmm…..I'll have to remember that in future situations."  She laughs quietly, and I realise I've never heard the sound before.  My heart leaps realising I'm the one who made her laugh.

Madame Pince peers round the bookcase looking annoyed.  We appear to have disturbed her.  "No talking in the library……it's a place for quiet reading and study.  Honestly, I'd have expected better from you two, you're not first years anymore!  If you want to talk please go elsewhere."

We leave, both looking a bit guilty….it must've looked a little strange, two supposed enemies having a chat behind the bookcases.  We find ourselves in the owlrey a few minutes later, and I am content to watch her with the birds for a while.    

"Tell me a bit more about your mother"  She asks softly after long silence between us, "If it's not too painful…….I'd really like to know about her"

"My mother…has always been a complete perfectionist about everything.  Everything's always had to be in perfect order at home….I remember playing with toys when I was younger and having her come in and be absolutely livid about the mess on the floor.  Father used to hear and tell me not to worry – that it wasn't my fault.  After a while I stopped playing…..I hated upsetting her…..I do love her.  I also remember watching her stare critically in the mirror for what seemed like hours before her and my father went out on social engagements.  She's never been happy.  

"When did you find out about her eating disorder?"

I think hard for a minute.  "I don't ever really remember finding out as such.  I just learned to accept that mother never ate with us.  It wasn't something I questioned.

"I don't want this to be the only thing in my life Draco.  I want my children and husband to know that they are more important to me than anything else.  I don't want to end up like that."

"Don't worry, I won't let you".    

 "Thank you – not just for saying that….but for everything".

A/N – Don't worry, you'll find out what Draco wrote in the card, and what he was going say to her at the Quidditch match later (as long as I can find a suitable point to put it in!)    


	10. 10

A/N –I'm so so sorry about not updating sooner I've been a bit unwell recently as well as being really busy with school. Thanks for the ideas Jessica :)  
  
I can't believe all that's happened recently. It's all so overwhelming. First there was finding out that Draco's different to how he seemed. Then there's my complete irrational rant at him which I quickly came to realise was horrible of me as he was doing what he though was best……and now he's forgiven me. After he left the hospital wing I thought that that was the end. The end of finding out more about Draco – the end of a friendship before it had even begun. But now…..now I've found out something else……that he can be both forgiving and comforting. He managed to do something I could never have done if I were in his position – forgive me after everything I said to him.  
  
I don't know what our relationship is like. At the moment he's the only person I feel comfortable with….he knows and understands what I'm going through and he doesn't judge me or expect anything from me. I don't have to hide with him.  
  
To Draco it must seem as though his mother and I just ignore food……that we don't want it. But the opposite is true for myself and probably Mrs Malfoy as well….I crave it, I think about it constantly. I love and fear it equally. I fear food……me, a supposedly courageous Gryffindor scared of eating. If it wasn't for this obsession I'm sure all of my thoughts wound be Draco-related as I've never felt like this towards someone before. In a way I wish this barrier didn't exist, that I could spend my energy on Draco. I don't know how to conquer it though, make it disappear – I'm scared that it's all I've become…..what would I be without it? I feel so empty.  
  
Maybe I shouldn't have been put in Gryffindor. I'm so bloody scared of stupid things and aren't Gryffindor's meant to be brave? All the others are…….Harry, obviously with his facing Voldemort numerous times, Ron and Hermione's loyalty provides them with courage to do things they must…..I've heard even Neville showed bravery by standing up to Harry, Ron and Hermione at the end of the first year.  
  
I know that it's all partly about control. Having something to control when everything else is outside of my reach. That's why I'm so scared of eating…..it would be loosening the grip on that hold…..what if I couldn't stop?……at the moment I feel as though I could eat forever and ever and the thought disgusts me.  
  
I don't want to go to Potions. I don't think I can look Snape in the eye knowing that he knows about me. I can already feel his presence in the great hall, and it unnerves me although I'm pretty sure that he'll do nothing more about me. I'm amazed that I managed to go undiscovered by Madame Pomfrey….I dread to think of the consequences if she had somehow found out.  
  
I'm always worrying about how to escape the next meal, and the one after that. I especially worry about the holidays…what am I going to do then? Mum's bound to make me eat – we always eat all together and she's much too watchful for me to hide things. She's always trying to feed me up anyway, slipping larger helpings on my plate. I feel sick just thinking about the amount I'll be expected to eat. I'll have to think of some way out of it – perhaps I could find a reason to stay at Hogwarts or something. Maybe Draco'll stay as well……  
  
"Er…Gin….can I ask you something?"  
  
I snap out of my thoughts quickly putting down the book I was absentmindedly holding but not reading. I look around me….Gryffindor Common Room, Ron speaking.  
  
"Sure Ron" I gesture to the seat next to mine and try to focus my energy on talking with him. It just occurred to me that maybe this is about you know what. Maybe my favourite brother's more clued up than I gave him credit for……  
  
"Erm, well, you're a girl, so you know how girls think right?"  
  
Or maybe not. Maybe he's even less clued up than I thought. I suddenly feel a bit depressed. I bring my knees up slightly, hugging them protectively.  
  
"Maybe Hermione's the one to ask, Ron."  
  
"Normally I would, but you see this is about Hermione"  
  
That stung. I know he didn't mean anything by it but just hearing him say that he'd talk to Hermione before her hurt. There was a time when Ron'd come up to her bedroom in the evening at the Burrow and they'd sit and chat until bedtime about anything and everything. It almost felt as though she was the older sibling then – he'd ask her for advice and treat her as an equal or better. Things change….I've got to remember that. There was no way that could have lasted forever.  
  
"About Hermione?" I pretend to sound a bit surprised although I know exactly where this is leading now. I just want to hear him say it.  
  
"WellIlikealotandIwanttellher…butidontwanttoruinourfriendship." He mumbles in an unusually quiet voice. He almost looks comical, with his blazing hair and his face all flushed with embarrassment. My sweet brother.  
  
"I didn't catch than Ron……you're going to have to speak a little slower" This is all part of the journey. Telling someone of his feelings for her.  
  
"I want to tell Hermione I have feelings for her but I don't know how…..or whether she likes me that way. I don't want to ruin what we've already got."  
  
Sounds familiar. I wonder what Draco's expression would be if I suddenly blurted out that I like him? Probably not what I would hope.  
  
"Tell me what I should do Gin."  
  
"I can tell you that Hermione likes you too…you should tell her how you feel. I can't tell you exactly how you should do that…just think it over, and I'm sure whatever you come up with will sound wonderful to her."  
  
"Okay" I can see he's desperately wracking his brains for ideas now…..his forehead is creased in concentration.  
  
I tousle his hair as I get up to leave. "I'm going up to bed, I'm a bit tired. Don't stay up too late worrying about it Ron – it'll all be fine". As I turn away I can feel myself blinking back tears although I am uncertain as to why.  
  
Upstairs in my dorm, I fall onto my bed feeling depressed and alone. I notice a piece of parchment folded and sealed with a wax stamp on the bed. It must have been brought earlier by owl and left there by one of my roommates. I open it and am greeted by a short note in Draco's elegant handwriting.  
  
Dear Ginny,  
  
I was wondering if you're brave enough to sneak out to Hogsmeade with me tomorrow evening. I'm pretty bored and it would prove to be a good distraction. If you are – meet me after dinner in the Charms classroom. Change beforehand though – we'd be recognised in school robes. Hoping to see you then.  
  
Draco  
  
Underneath is an impressive sketch of a dragon. It's beautiful; detailed, yet not perfectly clear, leaving some things to the imagination. I had no idea he could draw so well. The dragon almost seems to be smiling at me, challenging me. I stare at it a while a smile forming on my face. All of my previous miserable thoughts are gone…I am thrilled at the prospect of meeting Draco and sneaking out. I can hardly wait until tomorrow.  
  
A/N – Let me know what you think. I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter…but I'm looking forward to writing the next. Thanks for being so patient! 


	11. 11

A/N Sorry about the long wait once again. When I'm writing it actually takes no time at all it's just finding the time to write. I haven't been doing brilliantly with my eating disorder either so that's not really been helping. Thanks once again for all the reviews. If any of you ever want to talk about ed stuff or just anything feel free to email me :)  
  
  
  
So here I am in my dorm my bed strewn with clothes, trying to decide what muggle clothes to wear this evening. It shouldn't even be much of an issue – I mean Draco only asked me to come with him for a bit of companionship, right? He just got bored of those two walking eating machines that normally follow him round and wanted to hang out with someone else. I bet he's not even going to think about what to wear…it'll just be automatic…like getting dressed every morning. I wonder what he will wear though?  
  
It's no use…everything I put on makes me feel fat. It's as if any part of clothing touching my skin is a reminder there's flesh there. Flesh that makes me exist in a physical way not allowing me to disappear or fade away. I look in the mirror wearing various outfits and am dissatisfied. There are two different sights that greet me, opposites….both grotesque. I'm not sure I identify with either of them but still I stare fascinated.  
  
Eventually I opt for a pair of deep blue jeans and my snowflake sweater – It's one of my favourite outfits and it looks smart without being over the top. My heart leaps a little when I realise I'm going to need a belt to hold up the jeans.  
  
**************************************************************************** ******  
  
I don't know what I'm doing here….whether she'll even turn up. I must have been feeling a little crazy when I decided to ask her to sneak out with me. And drawing that dragon as well – now she knows something else private that I haven't shared with anyone else in this school. Something about her just makes me want to share all my secrets with her….have her know everything about me and still like me…that is of course presuming she likes me at all.  
  
The door opens and in she steps into the darkened classroom. So she came….I'm so pleased. "You made it"  
  
"Well it was either this or my Herbology homework……" She grins. "So how Mr Malfoy, are you proposing we sneak out…..I'm not planning on spending my evening in detention." She's confident and teasing – I rarely see this in her except for when it's just us together, and I love it.  
  
"Ah secret passageway I discovered a while back. As far as I'm aware no one knows about it but me. Not even Potter or your brothers. It leads right into one of the back rooms of a potions supply shop. It's easy to sneak out of the there. Don't worry I've never been caught, and I've used it many times."  
  
"Oh, with Crabbe and Goyle?…"  
  
"Nah, I generally just go alone. Come on" I lead her to the door of the classroom and into the room opposite which contains the passageway. I can't remember how I discovered it actually, but I've been using it for years. Tapping the bricks on the back wall of this disused room in just the right position opens it up. She looks on in amazement. "I wonder just how many of these kinds of passages there are all over the castle……..probably lots".  
  
She pulls off her cloak while stepping into the passageway. She's wearing an outfit that compliments her beautifully. Delicate, smart yet casual with some girliness. Her hair tumbles down over her shoulders – she rarely wears it this way. I think of how she'll look when recovered – radiant and happy. I know she'll recover – she's strong in her own way and far too good for this pain to continue endlessly.  
  
Hogsmeade as usual is warm and inviting. It's relatively dark outside but the village has this wonderful glow to it…..it emanates from the amber street lamps, the flames of the fires visible in the fireplaces present in each building, and the faces of the content people enjoying the company of others. It's actually bigger than most Hogwart's students imagine, as they are only really interested in a few of the shops there like the infamous Honeydukes. Ginny is the perfect companion while we stroll past the shops; quiet but thoughtful making me feel peaceful and at ease. Occasionally we stop to look in the windows of shops and such and I keep a mental note of things she seems interested in such as a stunning butterfly brooch.  
  
"Shall we go in the Three Broomsticks?"  
  
"Okay" I can tell she tenses at the thought of going somewhere where there is much food and drink present.  
  
We find a cosy little table a little bit away from the noisy main area of the pub. I decide I'm going to try and make a deal with Ginny. I've got little to lose and much to gain. "Okay if you let me buy you a butterbeer – and promise to drink a little of it……I'll do one thing you like, anything – within reason that is – I'm not going to be stripping off in the Great Hall and professing my love for Potter by singing a muggle love song."  
  
She laughs for a while at this comment. "Sorry……the actual mental picture of you doing that is just too funny." She pauses. "But seriously….you'd do that for me?"  
  
**************************************************************************** ******  
  
Oh my god he's nodding. I'm panicking, I'm panicking….I'm not sure that I can do this. I could say no….I'm sure he wouldn't push the matter. But then again….he's being so selfless,…….maybe I can do this……just this once for him – it must have taken a lot for him to say that he would do anything for a Weasley. I don't want to ruin the evening. Besides I would actually get to taste Butterbeer – it's been so long and I'm feeling pretty weak today. I wouldn't have the fear of not being able to stop with one……because I'm here with him.  
  
Before I change my mind I tell him that I'll do it. He looks relieved and happy. "So what is it I'm going to have to do for you Ginny…..please don't make it too awful……"  
  
Um……I rack my brains for a minute. I'm not bold enough to say what I really want from him so I settle with "um……how about you bring me here again next week?"  
  
He smiles a rare smile. "No problem…….I was planning on that anyway…..y'know you could have got away with something really awful……good thing you're not Slytherin….I'd be in big trouble then."  
  
"I wouldn't give me any ideas Draco….I can still change my mind….."  
  
Madame Rosmerta comes over to take our orders. She doesn't recognise us – probably because she doesn't expect any Hogwarts students to be here and we're out of uniform. Plus she's very unlikely to have seen me and Draco in close proximity to each other before.  
  
"What can I get you love?" She asks kindly.  
  
"We'll both have butterbeers thanks"  
  
"Okay…be right back"  
  
I try and take my mind of the upcoming situation – and not think about the calories contained in the drink. Instead, I focus on Draco.  
  
"So….you like art? I never knew you were so artistic…..that Dragon you drew was striking"  
  
"You liked it? Drawing's just something I've always liked to do. I find it totally freeing…..I just draw whatever comes into my mind".  
  
"I'd love to be good at art – or anything really…..I've always wanted to have a special talent at something."  
  
"I'm sure you're great at drawing. All you need to do is forget about everything. Don't focus on trying to draw perfectly just do whatever comes into your head. Besides, you're good at tons of things Ginny. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself."  
  
Our butterbeers arrive and I realise I am shaking. Draco takes my hand comfortingly.  
  
"Tell me one thing you love doing"  
  
"I've always loved reading. Not the kind of books Hermione reads – I love stories – muggle story books which have their own mystery and magic completely separate from ours. I can get totally wrapped up in them and sit there for hours. Well…..at least I used to". I realise sadly that I haven't read a book for a long time now. Not since this unhealthy obsession took over my life.  
  
I'm feeling braver now and as he brings his cup to his mouth, I do the same. It's not the actual act of drinking that's so terrifying….obviously I have had to eat and drink minimal amounts in order to survive…..it's the fact that this isn't a 'safe' food. I don't know exactly what it contains – all I know is that it's sweet and rich and forbidden by myself. Except for now. The warm liquid is smooth and sweet and I can feel it going down my throat. I feel a bit hot and shaky but am almost instantly slightly physically revived by the liquid.  
  
The evening continues although my memories of it are slightly unclear. From that point onwards I am talking, and laughing with Draco whilst inwardly battling my inner voice. I think he can tell I'm not altogether there after that, although he sensitively leaves it to me whether I want to discuss it with him. When it starts to get late we leave in order to get back to Hogwarts. By the time we leave I know my other voice had won – telling me to break ties with Draco so that I can keep with my eating behaviors. After all, getting close to him would mean giving up what was essentially my whole life at the moment. I had made up my mind. I would drive him away. That didn't stop me from telling him the truth towards the end of the evening – this was something I simply couldn't help but do.  
  
"What I actually wanted to ask for …in exchange for the butterbeer…..was for you to kiss me."  
  
"I've been wanting to do that all night"  
  
The kiss is amazing. It's indescribable. It's not like anything I've ever felt before. Now I know why people write about love so much – the feeling of his mouth against mine is so intimate, tender and beautiful. I wish it never had to end. But it does.  
  
That leads me where I am now. Feeling horrible for leading him when I can't continue with this. Crying silent tears curled up in bed – torn, as half of me remembers that special kiss, whilst the other half plans how to sabotage the growing relationship so my eating disorder can continue unimpeded.  
  
  
  
A/N –So what do you think? I finally made my chapters a bit longer, although it wasn't completely intentional.  
  
I know Ginny's decision at the end is a bit sudden, but that's what eating disorders can be like. One minute you're deciding you can change and do better – the next you're fully back into you eating disorder. 


End file.
